I am 78 years old.  My name is Mo Forrest.  I have been in pain since I was 14 years old due to Crohn’s disease.  Tonight I am going to talk about my Father.

He was an abusive alcoholic.  I watched him beat my Mother, my brother and myself.  He would hold me up by one hand and beat me with his belt.  I was so scared of him that I would tell my Mother that my bones would shake.  I remember waiting in the car outside a tavern for my Dad to come out.  I saw the lady next door go into the tavern.   A few days later she helped my Mom make sandwiches for lunch.  I would not eat mine because she had touched it.   She had been in a tavern and taverns are bad.  I was 6 years old.  I remember him passed out on the kitchen floor and Mom saying she had to give him his insulin shot or he would die.  I went around the corner and prayed she wouldn’t give it to him.  I felt guilty about my prayer.

My Uncle, a Catholic Priest, asked why she didn’t leave.  She said it was a sin to get a divorce.  He said God didn’t want her to live that way.  He would help her and she became his housekeeper.  I lived in a rectory for a few years.  I was 7 when we left.  Life was better but I had a dream that he would come and kill us all.  I was 12 when he died.  The dreams stopped but I still had fears of the night.  In my 20’s I was in constant pain at night.  I think it got worse because as an adult I had to go out at night and my husband worked nights.  My pain would get so bad I couldn’t move.  My Doctor gave me no instructions on anything that would help me.  I was sent to a psychiatrist.  She said it was because I was afraid my Dad would come home at night.  BINGO that was it.  But I had no instructions on how to handle that fear.  I felt that pain was to be my life.

About 8 years ago I took a class called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy taught by Lianne Dyche.  Lianne suggested that I take the ‘Movement, Mindfulness and Pain Science’ class at the Lebanon hospital.  That class changed my life. My son tells me I am a different person.  I always thought chronic pain meant severe pain.  It means there is no tissue damage.  So how the heck was a doctor going to cure me with pills?  I must cure myself and the pain-science doctors taught me how.  I had to work on it.  I learned that I have a powerful brain, we all do, you do too.  My brain controls my pain.  I was understanding what I was doing.  I knew I had so much anxiety, stress, negative thoughts, fears that my emotions were sky high.  I learned that this can comes from trauma, especially childhood trauma.  I learned if I perceive pain, I will have pain, no doubt about it, I will have pain.

So what did I do with this new knowledge?  First I practice deep breathing, called belly breathing, while I practice mindfulness.  I learned how helpful it is to live in the present.  Once I was shopping and felt I couldn’t finish. I was going to call my son, but remembered to be in the present.  I decided to notice every color in the store and started to name them off.  I finished my shopping and checked out.

Fear, that is a big one.  Pain is a protector and when it would start to get dark my brain notes this is a dangerous time and sends out pain.  I am simplifying this but that is basically what happens.  I deep breathe while repeating to myself that night time is a good time, it is a safe time and a peaceful time.  That there is nothing out there that isn’t there during the day.  I found that visualization very helpful.  I would visualize I was outside and it was very peaceful.  I have completely lost my fear of the dark at night.  I was able to make peacefulness my main thought, not fear.  My Crohn’s pain is better, I have slips but I know what to do in order to get back on track.

I am happy now, I feel I have overcome my childhood.

I have had 16 different surgeries.  I feel some could have been avoided if I knew about pain science years ago.  I once took 18 different meds.  Just 6 now and mostly prescribed supplements.

One of the most important things I did was to forgive my Dad.  There are a lot of alcoholics in my family and we are also dyslexic and have an attention deficit disorder.  We are smart people and it is hard with this disability.  I can now see that my Dad was self-medicating.  There wasn’t the knowledge back then.   My Mother always said to love our Dad because he was sick.  I didn’t understand how she could say that, but she was right.  I wish I could have known the other side of my Dad.  I am learning new findings all the time.  The Alliance offers a resource book list.  I encourage you to look up Dr Moseley, and Pain Science on the web and come to our Community Meetings.  What helps me may not help you, we are all different.   I am grateful for the people that helped me.  You don’t have to suffer, there is help.